Tag Archives: depression

Editorial Verse

Editorial Verse

 

suddenly it’s late pm again.

how does a day fly so fast by, i wonder.

or not.

still editing a text in engineering.

new, exciting, curious.

 

then i remember

that no one cares for new vs. old…

and all that stuff, you know,

that comes in cute and smiling whispers.

or puffs of daydreaming

 

© 2013 Mariya Koleva

Midway in life’s journey

These days, I’ve been thinking of not writing anymore. It’s true, other authors’ activity somewhat depresses me. They manage to write, share, submit, get published, get liked, etc. in such short terms. Success around makes me feel more insignificant than I actually am. From time to time someone would ask me what happened to my book/my poetry writing/my publishing plans and intentions. I mumble in response like an idiot. I don’t even know how I decided to check the prompt sites today.

Carry On Tuesday hit the mark with Midway in Life’s Journey – a topic so sad and bitter, that the following simply poured over the paper. No tears, just words. I have no power for tears anymore.

***

I don’t want to hear a word

of being midway in life’s journey

Trust to my left, rust to my right

Being awake all night

Mull over self-saddening confusions

Close the window to

bleak memories

sweet memories

just memories

warming my heart

warning my mind

worrying my soul.

 

I can’t really pre-order my days

Nor my nights, for that matter

 

Purring cat on my left

Dictionary on my right –

I guess, they matter.


© Mariya Koleva, 2012

 

Mention Monday, OMG

#mentionmonday for today, coming in three parts!

First off the basket is the Mention Monday flash:

falling off that great height, she remembered the day she had promised herself to keep a diary and put down brief notes and ideas. so useless a memory. not even worth the mention.

Directly from the mind oven comes the hot-hot-hot Mention Monday blog post:

Today being Monday, I feel like mentioning that my primary career is EFL/Eng Lit teacher and En>Bul>En translator. For years my teaching earned my living. Then I switched to full-time sworn translating and private part-time teaching. Sworn translations are not that fun as people imagine. They are boring, for the most part. A lot of uneducated translators out there, too. As in every profession, I guess. All along I translated fiction as a hobby. Applied to work for several publishers. Unfortunately, no answer came. One publisher sent me a test text and then all was quiet. I enquired, they said they had no answer from the editor/proofreader yet. And that was it. The other publishers didn’t even make the effort to re- to my mails. Then I started poeming a lot! That made me very happy and found me some new poetic friends. We started communicating over various social networks. Step by step, I became part of a supportive community. People would come by my blog, read some of my poems and comment. A good thing about that is, that only people who like the poem they read, leave a comment. Whenever the reader doesn’t like the poem, they simply move away. Of course, the small number of visitors and comments made it clear that what I write is not widely-liked. Somewhere along that social networking road I got the idea to try my hand in novel-writing. It made me happy and enthusiastic. It developed better than expected. I came up with an idea for a second novel, and that happened even better than the first one. Somewhere along the road, however, I got involved in tighter communities and suddenly, unperceivably to me, writing was not as thrilling and fulfilling as before. I got into some sort of self-imagined race to submit and seek approval and recognition. I always do things for recognition. My very small audience has always made me feel not good enough. Official rejection from 8 of the 10 places where I submitted (1 response still pending) and an opinion for my second novel-like text simply crashed me. Thus, two days from the day I heard two haiku of mine were published online, I felt very low. I suddenly realized writing makes me miserable. Not finding good work, that I think will make me feel better, just added to my downcast mood. All the pressure at University, where I take endless exams and write numerous assignments, doesn’t help the situation, either. The depressing aspect of that is that I might be an excellent student (as usual), but my prospects are close to null, all due to lack of connections. I have noticed that I only get accepted to places no one else is interested in, or places that don’t pay, which is usually the same thing here.

And finally, because Brevity is the soul of wit, have a bite at those Mention Monday 6 words that describe my life right now:

Mention me believing madly I mattered.

who do you think you are

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

A very good question, asked by Marie Elena and Walt at Poetic Bloomings – Prompt #66

 

Mellow as a rotting melon

Arrogant beyond belief and reason

Raw and rigid as barbarian

Interested in plenty things, ignorant of most

Young in spirit, yawning all the time

Ambitious to leave a trace, futile.

 

Kilograms of tears, kilotons of explosion – all too easily spent

Outstanding when it comes to theory

Loving mainly herself

Enthusiastic to dive in regular depressions

Very hard to please, impossible to live with

After all that above, should we really care?

 

2012, Mariya Koleva

 

Melody, Day 26

NaPoWriMo, Day 26

1.

Wow, oh, wow

Don’t get off so loud!

Don’t give in so soon!

Never mind the crowd!

You’ll get yourself marooned

Looking up to whom

            you shouldn’t

Just because you wouldn’t

            find a steady place

To help you save your face

 

Oh, wow, oh

Don’t get down so low

Rescue team is on the way

Yet, perhaps, they will not stay

Probably they will ignore

Noise so loud and fall so low.

 

2. Haiku Heights – Melody

How will the wind find

The melody of stricken birds?

Shall it hush down?

 

© 2012 Mariya Koleva

Monday Mentions

It’s Monday again and it is time for the #Mondaymentions. This week I prefer this trend to its alternative #Mondaymindfulness because there are a few things I would like to … well, mention.

First one is I suddenly found myself among summer. Somehow, I missed the spring, if it came at all. Honestly speaking, I really doubt it. We were keeping a watchful eye for spring, so that we may go for a picknick out of town and show our little girl some “natural items” she is familiar with only through books. So, if ever spring was here, I must have been fast asleep. No use crying over spilt milk, though. This past week we went from wearing turtle necks and boots to short sleeves and slippers. Given the suddenness of it, I must admit I managed valiantly and we spent a wonderful morning at the beach. We managed to show our little girl things that she had not yet met in books, mainly because she has no books featuring sandy beaches at the seaside. Not a great drawback, come to think of it, as we actually live about 20 minutes from the beach. Walking, that is. Ha-ha, does that shock you? Well, if it does, it should – that was exactly my intention. If it doesn’t shock you, well – maybe you live at the seaside, too and just happen to know what it feels like (which is exactly “nothing special”, but that will be for internal use only ;-))

Second is, I snapped out of a particularly depressed period. Those periods tend to get longer and longer. Soon, they threaten to take up most of the year. Funny thing with my depressed periods is that while I am in one, I don’t feel like sharing and explaining. Once I step out of it, I don’t feel like recalling it at all. So, those bleak times remain safely locked within my head and in my beloved people’s minds, as they have the bad luck of getting the worst of it.

Third thing is I am listening to The Scorpions (Always Somewhere… miss you where I am) and this brings back so sweet, or rather bitter-sweet memories of the time I was a shy teenager, and so much more.

Happy Monday all! Never fail to enjoy!