You were the most lost
When we lost Dad,
And though there came so many moments
Of staggering and stumbling, and tears and regret
After which you wondered what’s to come
And has the worst already passed?
Yes, I can vouch – nothing before or after.
I know one shady thing you won’t get away with.
I’m sorry, girl, at least it’s not deadly.
I know it’s not fair. To you now it must seem
When you see how many people get off the hook.
But being older and wiser,
I’ll tell you what I read in Ecclesiastes:
That “time and chance rule over all”
The time will be ugly and chance will be against you.
Keep all of this private. You will.
Although it’s a free world, and humanity has progressed,
The time for being open hasn’t come
Not even in my time, let alone in yours.
Remember, I love you.
Today’s the day I apologise to my younger self that I didn’t manage to become what she always wanted.
For every breach of promise,
I apologise to you.
I see every step away from your dreams
As a breach.
Not only promises set in stone,
Signed with your name in bloody letters
In a book somewhere
But dreams as well, your secret hopes
To be what I never rose to become
Going astray from them is bigger a breach,
As it cuts to the quiver, as it betrays our deepest secret
I apologise for letting you down
And letting you turn into an everyday family thing
Instead of the herald, or the star, or the Captain Amazing
Which you are
In your heart.
(c) 2018, MK
Tired of your know-it-all, nerdy reputation,
Will you try to be a different one?
One that looks for any hot-chick’s sensual elation,
That much needed when you want to ride on with the gang?
Will you try it many times,
Every time believing you’ll succeed?
Every time you reach to what you need,
Will you find you change your mind?
What other people have is their own, not fitting you.
My love, you’ll know your own,
Of course, you doubt it now, I know.
And doubt’s what makes us free to choose our path.
Walk blind and try to make your math.
Wondering about the aftermath.
Your darkest hour was
When you woke
Still absorbed in the cotton wool of illusion
When you banged against the thin needles
Decorating the otherwise ugly wall of disillusionment
Your soul was extracted from you with tongs
It hurt so much, you cried with no voice
The pain pushed you to the edge of an abyss
On the other side of which you’d see lava
And flames so white they froze you.
The tongs were cold, icy cold
And all inside you glued to them
When they were pulling at your soul
So that you lost it
Tears felt out of place
The darkest hour – jumping the train to
The Happily-Ever-After dope.
This year, I’m doing November Poem-A-Day Chapbook Challenge for the 9th time. My first round was in 2010, and I met wonderful people out there, plus I wrote some amazing poems. This time around, I have an idea for a chapbook, and I’ll try to write towards it. I’ll compile a chapbook called “Letters to My Younger Self”.
The prompt for Day 1 is Glorious Poem. Here’s mine:
Hey, girl, you know that glory waits for you
Just around the corner.
You’ll be a performer who everyone will love
Who everyone will follow
Who everyone will long to look like,
Be loved like.
You’ll be a scientist – all students will admire you
All students and readers will do research on you
All other scientists will listen to.
Hey, girl, you’ll be a star.
(You don’t know anything yet,
But I bow to your vast hope
Against all hopes.
And I love you.)
(c) 2018 MK
On 12-13 August 1989, there was a Peace Music Festival in Moscow. Of course, I didn’t know the title then. I just knew plenty of rock bands went there to perform. A thrilling summer. Not for political reasons. There are several summers in everyone’s life that are more thrilling than usual.
Another draft: November PAD, Day 13 – A Memory poem
In 1989, Scorpions went to Moscow
And played the Wind of Change on Lenin Stadium
Broadcasting live on the Russian National
Reaching our TV sets
At least, the good ones.
At rather unacceptable hours –
The snowflake-covered screen showed no real picture
Played no real sound
Apart from the white noise.
The time for change had come
Only I didn’t know it yet.
© 2015, MK
This one is still a draft. November PAD, Day 12 – After _
After the Autumn Equinox
There comes a sudden feeling
Of festivity and settled-downness
Longer evenings, still warm
Concealing new thrill,
Secret smiles and
Stolen hand breezes
The days are sunny,
Your skirts are still short
Revealing your lanky suntanned
Which you’ve been growing
All for that.
© 2015, MK
November PAD, Day 6 – We’re Being Watched
We’re being watched!
The inevitable worry of any first kiss
No matter how dark the night,
No matter how empty the alley
Just someone might see
And point at me
In the crowd.
© 2015, MK
That’s the result of working with a theme. You aren’t at a loss about how to approach an overused prompt. So, here is November PAD, Day 11 – An animal poem
Summer was a tiger
Spiraling to leaf fall
Where it fell asleep
Blending in its ochre
Rains and leaf mass rot
Filtering it through
To the other side of the planet
My summer is a tiger
Roaming in its wilderness.
© 2015, MK